The primitive fear of closeness and intimacy can make one lonely. This primitive fear is being afraid that if one gets too close or intimate the pain of separation, or worse, rejection will ensue. There can be a deep seated assumption from old experiences that that this will happen and it is best to avoid this pain by keeping oneself safe. Keeping safe means avoiding closeness which brings on loneliness.

However, this is not what the psyche or self really wants. What is desired is to feel connected, to be close and enjoy the intimacy. But the old fears intrude causing internal restrictions in freedom. The old fears can feel overwhelming like rejection is certain to happen and keeping safe is of paramount importance. This is one of the tragedies of being human. Everyone suffers from this to some extent. There is a spectrum of more or less internal restriction of freedom that the primitive fear triggers. However this primitive fear is based on old experiences, not current ones. There is a fundamental mixup between the past and the present. It’s like the past becomes the present and overwhelms the self with fear making it seem imperative to protect oneself from the inevitable. Then there is such aloneness, separateness and isolation.

Old experiences as a child, when one was completely dependent on others for survival leave such an indelible imprint. If the dependent child was left for too long and became unbearably hungry, he became afraid of not being okay. That could have been experienced as a scary threat to ones well being.  This is what we are up against as adults in relationships where there is  dependence on the other for closeness and intimacy. The old fears of not being okay come front and center and block us from being dependent on the other. But the dependence is unavoidable if one is to feel close and connected, which, I think all humans want. What a conundrum. How does one escape from this trap?  How can we relate to others we love with more internal freedom to choose ways of being with the other that bring us the warmth of togetherness we want. How do we break free from the primitive fears that seem to dictate our actions of protectiveness that lead to feeling so alone and lonely?  Perhaps having a different relational experience with a good psychotherapist that endures long enough and through difficulties in the relationship that get resolved satisfactorily by the therapist taking full responsibility for his part in the disruption and pain that ensues when there is a misunderstanding. When this happens frequently enough the old primitive fears subside and more internal freedom is available to choose the closeness and intimacy that is desired.